goodbye

she's a giggle at a funeral
she's a rainbow in the middle of a storm
she's a whisper at a booming rock concert
and for some reason we just don't get along...

she's a wink when i'm not looking
she's a smile when i wanna cry
she's a handshake when all i need is a hug
and for some reason we just don't get along...

she's a beer when i wanna quit drinking
she's a line once i finally get clean
she's a song that i just stopped singing
and for some reason we just don't get along...

I think it's time that I start to say goodbye...

HUSH

hush.
just listen to my story.
let my words wash over you in a wave of realization.
let my waves crash upon the shores of your heart with
the power and vitality of horses
sit in silence and wait
for my rushed rant to dissipate.
share my pain, wallow in my agony

Hush 
let me cry out in frustration.

hold me in your arms and never let me go.
soak with me in wet, sticky, messy depression.
shed my fucking tears.
hush.
and when im done?
take my hand.
pick me up off the dirty earth and lead me to the light.
show me a smile and tell me;
it's ok that im not ok.
put a flower in my hair and make me laugh.
i need you...
to love me.

Love and Faith

LOVE
what is love?
love is not taking her out to expensive dinners every night; love is cooking together and having the occasional food fight. love is not buying her pricey jewelry for holidays or anniversaries; love is making a handcrafted gift as a random surprise. love is not feeling obligated to have sex every night; love is yelling and screaming and having crazy make-up sex. love is not going out on the town and getting trashed together; love is staying home and watching moves while cuddling. love is a whispered "i love you" across the pillow in the morning. love is a kiss on her hand while driving. love is a promise.

FAITH.
what is faith?
faith is the sparkle in a child's eye as he wishes on a shooting star. faith is a raised hand during a song in church. faith is an elderly woman bent in prayer in Moscow. faith is knowing in your soul, without seeing, that you are given a promise.

Lost and Found

     in the beginning there was faith. faith in humanity, faith in myself, and above all faith and God. but throughout my journey to adulthood this faith quickly and quietly dissipated, and i believed it to be lost forever.
     i fell into the "wrong crowd" and began using drugs, alcohol, and sex to deal with pain. to this day i would not consider myself an addict, but i certainly engaged in poor decision making and addictive behaviors.
     my friends cam and went; passing me from one group to the next; using me up for what i was worth. i knew nothing of love, trust, or honesty. the terms "self-esteem" and "self-worth" were not in my vocabulary. i believed i was good for whatever someone could take from me. this self image led to many blacked out nights with girls that would never talk to me again. to me, this was normal. it was all i knew. sure, someone would say "i love you," bit that would only last until they got bored of the sex or began to understand my depression and anxiety. . i was disposable. as good as trash. i was nothing.
     i believed that God had even given up on me. i was originally raised in an "all accepting church". so it was totally cool when i came out as a lesbian. that was not the problem. the problem was when i stopped going to church and let the degrading words and actions of my partners and friends  eat away at me. they told me i was unlovable and worthless...so i naively believed. i blamed myself for my friends' addiction, pain, and suffering and believed God punished me for ruining His children.
     now, i am not NOT claiming my "eyes have been opened; ive seen the light! my faith in myself, humanity and God is completely restored!" but since i have started attending groups again, i definitely have noticed a difference in the way i look at the world.
      i have met a group of amazing, insightful, healing, honest people who are in different stages of the same path as me and it thrills and terrifies me at the same time. to have so much support is great! but so different that i have no idea what to do with it...
     by sharing my story with my new support system i have been able to open up and realize my beauty and worth. i understand happiness is not a light switch, but instead like churning butter; hard work and patience.
     mindfulness ins the most important skill all the years of therapy has taught me. and ya know what? it can be a very spiritual experience for me. i dont really consider myself "religious" anymore...and im not so sure what my thoughts are about the Christian God; but i definitely feel a higher power during my mindfulness practices. its like a warm hand on my back or another force reassuring my positive affirmations.
     SO. IM CURED.
     Just kidding.
     its going to take time. but im willing, working, and worth it. 

I'm OK

"I'm OK"

The words slip out of my mouth; dripping with lies and deceit.

"No."

Was her response. Of course she knew. Kayla knew everything. About me, anyway. She knew that my unseasonably long jeans hid scars and bruises from the cruel world. She knew that my mind played tricks on me; making me believe everyone hated me or I am unloveable. And, of course, she knew that I loved her. Even though she didn't love me back.

"But I will be."

I whispered, itching the newest healing cut on my leg. Watching me, she quickly grabbed my leg and shoved my jeans up, revealing the cut.

"You fucking promised!"

She scolded with a tear welling up in her eye. I did. I promised I would stop. But it wasn't that easy! Telling a cutter to stop was like telling a smoker to stop. Cold turkey just doesn't work.

"I know..."

"Kat...Seriously...I care about you too much for you to do this shit to yourself,"

She always said that she cared about me...but she could never love me. She loved someone else. I thought it was crazy but she had a dream. A dream to follow her lover to Australia and be happy together forever. She knew it would take her up to three years to be reunited with this mystery woman...but it didn't matter to Kayla. She told me that "when you know, you know". Well, with Kayla, I knew. It just sucked that she didn't love me back.

The L Word

It's been rough.

I feel like I'm in the episode of The L Word where Alice makes the lesbian web connection of who everyone has slept with...It's kinda crazy right now. I'm in love with her but she's in love with another who is in love with another who is moving to California to meet her gf for the first time...MY LIFE.

But really...is it that bad?

No.

And that's what I have to keep reminding myself. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. Things could always be worse. And they can always get better. Look at the bright side, the silver lining as they say. I guess I just have to keep my head above water right now.

song of the day?

Anna Nalick: Breathe

Starbucks

"You don't have to do this..."

These words crept across the small Starbucks table to me. I didn't recognize the voice; as I didn't arrive with any company...yet there she was. A beautiful young woman in a bright red coat with bouncing blonde curls. She just sat there...looking at me...then she grabbed my bandaged wrist.

"You don't have to do this."

She repeated. A tear welling in her green eye. But...she didn't even know me? Why did this stranger give a shit about my mutilation? She had no reason to care. She was just a pedestrian walking by me and my coffee. Was it the empty look in my eyes? Or my slumped shoulders? Or the thick white bandage that covered most of my wrist...if only she knew about the bandages that scattered my legs as well...

"Yes I do."

I finally responded after what felt like forever. Tears must be contagious.

"No. I understand."

How could she understand? She was thin, beautiful, happy, and wore a beautiful wedding band. Everything was going great for her. She had no reason to be depressed. Not like me.

"No you don't. You don't know me."

"But I know what that's like."

She confessed, slowly sliding up her coat sleeve to reveal thick white scares.