Love and Faith

LOVE
what is love?
love is not taking her out to expensive dinners every night; love is cooking together and having the occasional food fight. love is not buying her pricey jewelry for holidays or anniversaries; love is making a handcrafted gift as a random surprise. love is not feeling obligated to have sex every night; love is yelling and screaming and having crazy make-up sex. love is not going out on the town and getting trashed together; love is staying home and watching moves while cuddling. love is a whispered "i love you" across the pillow in the morning. love is a kiss on her hand while driving. love is a promise.

FAITH.
what is faith?
faith is the sparkle in a child's eye as he wishes on a shooting star. faith is a raised hand during a song in church. faith is an elderly woman bent in prayer in Moscow. faith is knowing in your soul, without seeing, that you are given a promise.

The L Word

It's been rough.

I feel like I'm in the episode of The L Word where Alice makes the lesbian web connection of who everyone has slept with...It's kinda crazy right now. I'm in love with her but she's in love with another who is in love with another who is moving to California to meet her gf for the first time...MY LIFE.

But really...is it that bad?

No.

And that's what I have to keep reminding myself. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. Things could always be worse. And they can always get better. Look at the bright side, the silver lining as they say. I guess I just have to keep my head above water right now.

song of the day?

Anna Nalick: Breathe

Advice to Myself Addressing Anger

**names have been changed to protect those involved**

Dear Mini-Me,
There are a few things about anger that I want to share with you. First is that you are going to be angry, and that is okay. Holding back ager isn't healthy. I wish that I could tell you that everything is going to be alright. but, that would be the biggest lie I ever told. You are going to get angry; you are human. The second thing that I want to tell you is that you need to communicate this anger somehow. A big mistake that I've made is keeping my feelings to myself. But in doing this I bottle myself up like a shaken can of soda, and eventually someone tried to open the can. So... be angry. There are healthy ways to show your anger. A way is to write about it (this is my favorite way). By writing about your anger you can really take it out on the page. Use red marker, use fowl words. No one else will read it. The third and probably most important thing about anger that i need to tell you is that even though you deserve to be angry at Kevin and Sarah and even your father, you have to forgive them. forgiveness is an important part of the healing process and you will never be able to heal from how they hurt you if you don't forgive them for the terrible things they've done. now that I've had my rant I wish you the best of luck.
with new love,
me.

I am a Lion

I will not be an old lady lying on my death bed saying that I wish I had a full back tattoo of rainbows and peacocks dancing under the moon. I will not be that lady saying I wish I colored my hair a million colors of crazy reds and golds and blues that drew the attention of every eye in the room because I was crazy enough to bend the social norm. I will not be wishing I had traveled the world; to the rolling hills of Ireland or the jungles of Africa. And I will definitely not be lying at deaths door regretting that I didn't marry the girl I loved because the world told me I couldn't. I will be that old lady happy with the good and the bad, the love and the losses, the experiences and the feeling that I was lucky enough to be a part of it. I do not care for what society thinks, I have lived once and I do not care. I will have my bad days and my good days because after all I am human and of this life I cannot fathom what we are here for. For the better and the worse I will experience it all. I am the power and the one to be in charge of me. And as in the words of Counting Crows: I am a child of fire, I a am a lion, I have desires and I was born inside the sun this morning.

Commitment to Life

I stopped living when I was 16. Years before my first suicide attempt; months before the first inkling of self harm ever crept into my body. I stopped living because of a boy. A boy I had trusted; befriended; and loved. A boy who tore me down to believe I was ugly, worthless, and above all, unloveable. For years I hated myself for everything I "let" him say to me. I wallowed in self pity and low self esteem and didn't do anything about it. Even while in treatment I ignored the base of my issues, the root of the cause.

Until now. Now I am willing to make a commitment to life. I will commit to staying away from life threatening/harmful behaviors. In the past I have had a history of self harming in place of healthy coping skills.
But, I commit to practicing healthy coping skills like Daventry, pace breathing, and self soothes. I commit to staying focused and engaged in session instead of withdrawing when I feel threatened or vulnerable.
I commit to lessening my use of "I don't know" statements by taking the time to think and process the difficult concept that has been handed to me instead of immediately shooting it down defensively.
I commit to completing my homework in a timely manner.
I commit to keeping a job commitment. In the past it has been very difficult for me to get to work every shift. But, i commit to going to work in order to earn money to save up so I can move out.
I commit to standing up for myself.
 I commit to not lying to gain social approval. I used to "tell tall tales" in order to get people to like me.
I commit to becoming healthier.
I commit to accepting compliments.
 I commit to saying "I love you" to friends and family.

I commit to smiling.