Lost and Found

     in the beginning there was faith. faith in humanity, faith in myself, and above all faith and God. but throughout my journey to adulthood this faith quickly and quietly dissipated, and i believed it to be lost forever.
     i fell into the "wrong crowd" and began using drugs, alcohol, and sex to deal with pain. to this day i would not consider myself an addict, but i certainly engaged in poor decision making and addictive behaviors.
     my friends cam and went; passing me from one group to the next; using me up for what i was worth. i knew nothing of love, trust, or honesty. the terms "self-esteem" and "self-worth" were not in my vocabulary. i believed i was good for whatever someone could take from me. this self image led to many blacked out nights with girls that would never talk to me again. to me, this was normal. it was all i knew. sure, someone would say "i love you," bit that would only last until they got bored of the sex or began to understand my depression and anxiety. . i was disposable. as good as trash. i was nothing.
     i believed that God had even given up on me. i was originally raised in an "all accepting church". so it was totally cool when i came out as a lesbian. that was not the problem. the problem was when i stopped going to church and let the degrading words and actions of my partners and friends  eat away at me. they told me i was unlovable and worthless...so i naively believed. i blamed myself for my friends' addiction, pain, and suffering and believed God punished me for ruining His children.
     now, i am not NOT claiming my "eyes have been opened; ive seen the light! my faith in myself, humanity and God is completely restored!" but since i have started attending groups again, i definitely have noticed a difference in the way i look at the world.
      i have met a group of amazing, insightful, healing, honest people who are in different stages of the same path as me and it thrills and terrifies me at the same time. to have so much support is great! but so different that i have no idea what to do with it...
     by sharing my story with my new support system i have been able to open up and realize my beauty and worth. i understand happiness is not a light switch, but instead like churning butter; hard work and patience.
     mindfulness ins the most important skill all the years of therapy has taught me. and ya know what? it can be a very spiritual experience for me. i dont really consider myself "religious" anymore...and im not so sure what my thoughts are about the Christian God; but i definitely feel a higher power during my mindfulness practices. its like a warm hand on my back or another force reassuring my positive affirmations.
     SO. IM CURED.
     Just kidding.
     its going to take time. but im willing, working, and worth it.