It's been rough.
I feel like I'm in the episode of The L Word where Alice makes the lesbian web connection of who everyone has slept with...It's kinda crazy right now. I'm in love with her but she's in love with another who is in love with another who is moving to California to meet her gf for the first time...MY LIFE.
But really...is it that bad?
No.
And that's what I have to keep reminding myself. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. Things could always be worse. And they can always get better. Look at the bright side, the silver lining as they say. I guess I just have to keep my head above water right now.
song of the day?
Anna Nalick: Breathe
Never. Lose. Hope
'nuff said
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Monday, January 13, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Starbucks
"You don't have to do this..."
These words crept across the small Starbucks table to me. I didn't recognize the voice; as I didn't arrive with any company...yet there she was. A beautiful young woman in a bright red coat with bouncing blonde curls. She just sat there...looking at me...then she grabbed my bandaged wrist.
"You don't have to do this."
She repeated. A tear welling in her green eye. But...she didn't even know me? Why did this stranger give a shit about my mutilation? She had no reason to care. She was just a pedestrian walking by me and my coffee. Was it the empty look in my eyes? Or my slumped shoulders? Or the thick white bandage that covered most of my wrist...if only she knew about the bandages that scattered my legs as well...
"Yes I do."
I finally responded after what felt like forever. Tears must be contagious.
"No. I understand."
How could she understand? She was thin, beautiful, happy, and wore a beautiful wedding band. Everything was going great for her. She had no reason to be depressed. Not like me.
"No you don't. You don't know me."
"But I know what that's like."
She confessed, slowly sliding up her coat sleeve to reveal thick white scares.
These words crept across the small Starbucks table to me. I didn't recognize the voice; as I didn't arrive with any company...yet there she was. A beautiful young woman in a bright red coat with bouncing blonde curls. She just sat there...looking at me...then she grabbed my bandaged wrist.
"You don't have to do this."
She repeated. A tear welling in her green eye. But...she didn't even know me? Why did this stranger give a shit about my mutilation? She had no reason to care. She was just a pedestrian walking by me and my coffee. Was it the empty look in my eyes? Or my slumped shoulders? Or the thick white bandage that covered most of my wrist...if only she knew about the bandages that scattered my legs as well...
"Yes I do."
I finally responded after what felt like forever. Tears must be contagious.
"No. I understand."
How could she understand? She was thin, beautiful, happy, and wore a beautiful wedding band. Everything was going great for her. She had no reason to be depressed. Not like me.
"No you don't. You don't know me."
"But I know what that's like."
She confessed, slowly sliding up her coat sleeve to reveal thick white scares.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Advice to Myself Addressing Anger
**names have been changed to protect those involved**
Dear Mini-Me,
There are a few things about anger that I want to share with you. First is that you are going to be angry, and that is okay. Holding back ager isn't healthy. I wish that I could tell you that everything is going to be alright. but, that would be the biggest lie I ever told. You are going to get angry; you are human. The second thing that I want to tell you is that you need to communicate this anger somehow. A big mistake that I've made is keeping my feelings to myself. But in doing this I bottle myself up like a shaken can of soda, and eventually someone tried to open the can. So... be angry. There are healthy ways to show your anger. A way is to write about it (this is my favorite way). By writing about your anger you can really take it out on the page. Use red marker, use fowl words. No one else will read it. The third and probably most important thing about anger that i need to tell you is that even though you deserve to be angry at Kevin and Sarah and even your father, you have to forgive them. forgiveness is an important part of the healing process and you will never be able to heal from how they hurt you if you don't forgive them for the terrible things they've done. now that I've had my rant I wish you the best of luck.
with new love,
me.
Dear Mini-Me,
There are a few things about anger that I want to share with you. First is that you are going to be angry, and that is okay. Holding back ager isn't healthy. I wish that I could tell you that everything is going to be alright. but, that would be the biggest lie I ever told. You are going to get angry; you are human. The second thing that I want to tell you is that you need to communicate this anger somehow. A big mistake that I've made is keeping my feelings to myself. But in doing this I bottle myself up like a shaken can of soda, and eventually someone tried to open the can. So... be angry. There are healthy ways to show your anger. A way is to write about it (this is my favorite way). By writing about your anger you can really take it out on the page. Use red marker, use fowl words. No one else will read it. The third and probably most important thing about anger that i need to tell you is that even though you deserve to be angry at Kevin and Sarah and even your father, you have to forgive them. forgiveness is an important part of the healing process and you will never be able to heal from how they hurt you if you don't forgive them for the terrible things they've done. now that I've had my rant I wish you the best of luck.
with new love,
me.
The Familiar Stranger
The familiar stranger stares back at me,
Wondering if I can see.
I know her eyes, her nose her smile,
But together I don't recognize the face.
I don't remember that sun-kissed skin.
I don't remember that bleached blonde hair.
I don't remember that glowing self confidence.
But, I know her eyes, her noes, her smile.
A familiar stranger.
I feel like I should recognize her,
but something has changed.
She is not the same girl from before.
She is no longer a ghost,
She is no longer dark haired,
She is no longer afraid.
But still those eyes, that noes, that smile.
A familiar stranger.
The familiar stranger smiles back at me,
She waves hello, as I do too.
I like the change, it's something new.
Now I can finally see,
The familiar stranger is me.
Wondering if I can see.
I know her eyes, her nose her smile,
But together I don't recognize the face.
I don't remember that sun-kissed skin.
I don't remember that bleached blonde hair.
I don't remember that glowing self confidence.
But, I know her eyes, her noes, her smile.
A familiar stranger.
I feel like I should recognize her,
but something has changed.
She is not the same girl from before.
She is no longer a ghost,
She is no longer dark haired,
She is no longer afraid.
But still those eyes, that noes, that smile.
A familiar stranger.
The familiar stranger smiles back at me,
She waves hello, as I do too.
I like the change, it's something new.
Now I can finally see,
The familiar stranger is me.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Commitment to Life
I stopped living when I was 16. Years before my first suicide attempt; months before the first inkling of self harm ever crept into my body. I stopped living because of a boy. A boy I had trusted; befriended; and loved. A boy who tore me down to believe I was ugly, worthless, and above all, unloveable. For years I hated myself for everything I "let" him say to me. I wallowed in self pity and low self esteem and didn't do anything about it. Even while in treatment I ignored the base of my issues, the root of the cause.
Until now. Now I am willing to make a commitment to life. I will commit to staying away from life threatening/harmful behaviors. In the past I have had a history of self harming in place of healthy coping skills.
But, I commit to practicing healthy coping skills like Daventry, pace breathing, and self soothes. I commit to staying focused and engaged in session instead of withdrawing when I feel threatened or vulnerable.
I commit to lessening my use of "I don't know" statements by taking the time to think and process the difficult concept that has been handed to me instead of immediately shooting it down defensively.
I commit to completing my homework in a timely manner.
I commit to keeping a job commitment. In the past it has been very difficult for me to get to work every shift. But, i commit to going to work in order to earn money to save up so I can move out.
I commit to standing up for myself.
I commit to not lying to gain social approval. I used to "tell tall tales" in order to get people to like me.
I commit to becoming healthier.
I commit to accepting compliments.
I commit to saying "I love you" to friends and family.
I commit to smiling.
Until now. Now I am willing to make a commitment to life. I will commit to staying away from life threatening/harmful behaviors. In the past I have had a history of self harming in place of healthy coping skills.
But, I commit to practicing healthy coping skills like Daventry, pace breathing, and self soothes. I commit to staying focused and engaged in session instead of withdrawing when I feel threatened or vulnerable.
I commit to lessening my use of "I don't know" statements by taking the time to think and process the difficult concept that has been handed to me instead of immediately shooting it down defensively.
I commit to completing my homework in a timely manner.
I commit to keeping a job commitment. In the past it has been very difficult for me to get to work every shift. But, i commit to going to work in order to earn money to save up so I can move out.
I commit to standing up for myself.
I commit to not lying to gain social approval. I used to "tell tall tales" in order to get people to like me.
I commit to becoming healthier.
I commit to accepting compliments.
I commit to saying "I love you" to friends and family.
I commit to smiling.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)