HUSH

hush.
just listen to my story.
let my words wash over you in a wave of realization.
let my waves crash upon the shores of your heart with
the power and vitality of horses
sit in silence and wait
for my rushed rant to dissipate.
share my pain, wallow in my agony

Hush 
let me cry out in frustration.

hold me in your arms and never let me go.
soak with me in wet, sticky, messy depression.
shed my fucking tears.
hush.
and when im done?
take my hand.
pick me up off the dirty earth and lead me to the light.
show me a smile and tell me;
it's ok that im not ok.
put a flower in my hair and make me laugh.
i need you...
to love me.

Commitment to Life

I stopped living when I was 16. Years before my first suicide attempt; months before the first inkling of self harm ever crept into my body. I stopped living because of a boy. A boy I had trusted; befriended; and loved. A boy who tore me down to believe I was ugly, worthless, and above all, unloveable. For years I hated myself for everything I "let" him say to me. I wallowed in self pity and low self esteem and didn't do anything about it. Even while in treatment I ignored the base of my issues, the root of the cause.

Until now. Now I am willing to make a commitment to life. I will commit to staying away from life threatening/harmful behaviors. In the past I have had a history of self harming in place of healthy coping skills.
But, I commit to practicing healthy coping skills like Daventry, pace breathing, and self soothes. I commit to staying focused and engaged in session instead of withdrawing when I feel threatened or vulnerable.
I commit to lessening my use of "I don't know" statements by taking the time to think and process the difficult concept that has been handed to me instead of immediately shooting it down defensively.
I commit to completing my homework in a timely manner.
I commit to keeping a job commitment. In the past it has been very difficult for me to get to work every shift. But, i commit to going to work in order to earn money to save up so I can move out.
I commit to standing up for myself.
 I commit to not lying to gain social approval. I used to "tell tall tales" in order to get people to like me.
I commit to becoming healthier.
I commit to accepting compliments.
 I commit to saying "I love you" to friends and family.

I commit to smiling.